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Written by Nick Kotarski
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Sunday, 10 April 2005 |
VIRUS ALERT
If you receive an email entitled "Badtimes," delete it
immediately. Do not open it. Apparently this one is pretty nasty.
It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will
also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer.
It demagnetizes the stripes on ALL of your credit cards.
It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your
VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you
attempt to play.
It will re-calibrate your refrigerator's coolness settings so all
your ice cream melts and your milk curdles.
It will program your phone autodial to call only your
mother-in-law's number.
This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank.
It will leave dirty socks on the coffee table when you are
expecting company.
Its radioactive emissions will cause your toe jam and bellybutton
fuzz (be honest, you have some) to migrate behind your ears.
It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine.
It will cause you to run with scissors and throw things in a way
that is only fun until someone loses an eye.
It will give you Dutch Elm Disease and Tinea.
It will rewrite your backup files, changing all your active verbs
to passive tense and incorporating undetectable misspellings which
grossly change the interpretations of key sentences.
If the "Badtimes" message is opened in a Windows95 environment, it
will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in
dangerously close to a full bathtub.
It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and
pillows, but it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.
It will replace all your luncheon meat with Spam.
It will molecularly rearrange your cologne or perfume, causing it
to smell like dill pickles.
It is insidious and subtle. It is dangerous and terrifying to
behold. It is also a rather interesting shade of mauve.
These are just a few signs of infection.
PLEASE FORWARD THIS MESSAGE TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW
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